Sex….
We all want it, we all have mixed feelings about it and we all crave to know more about it. Let’s talk about “How to communicate your sexual desires comfortably with your significant other”.
(deeliciousdesires.tumblr.com)
Here are a few steps! Because, well, I like organization…
1)Know your limit
By ‘limit’ I mean what your okay and not okay with. Understand it and know, then be willing to communicate it. No one will know unless you tell them. Its verbalizing your sexual boundaries.
Are you okay saying “No” to others? If not, maybe you have to do some work individually to find your boundaries, your limits and practice saying no.
2)Know the desires you want to explore
What have you dreamed about? What are you wanting to try? Have you seen something and thought “ummm, I might like that”. Let it out and be open and honest about it too. Be descriptive as you can/ want. A desire is something you want to try out/ experience. Ask your partner if that is something they are willing to put on the table and try with you. Ask them if they have any questions about it. This could stem from going to a party and “playing/acting” as if you too never met and meeting for the first time in a lust filled sexual adventure or falling in love once again, to wanting to be tied up, blindfolded and have other people join in on your play time, while your significant other directs and is your master for the night. Remember a safe word!
3)Be self-responsible with your language
Use ‘I’ statements. You are talking about your wants and needs not what you both want. “I was thinking about this thing to try and I was wondering if you were open to try it with me… I had this dream……Would you like do this with me sometime?” or “I really enjoy it when you do this. Can you do more of this too?” Never shame them or tell them they are doing something wrong. What might work on you, might not work on others and vise versa.
Taking the other person out of the sentence: “When I hear (insert work) I think I am not being understood and being understood is very important to me. I appreciate it when people ask me questions if they don’t understand something.”
4)Show up, be open, do not judge and ask back
Be honest about it, be open and lead from example. If you are willing to share and open up, it's likely that your significant other will be honest and open up as well. Isn’t that a cool thing? If they are quiet and not talking, ask if they need anything, ask if they need time to think it over (usually yes). You might even get a reaction from them, due to the line “What? What we are doing isn’t good enough?” running in the background, which in most cases is NOT true and is from deep hurt/ pain that isn’t healed.
Ask them about their own desires, needs and wants. Even out the conversation and be curious, do not judge them on what they are saying as they are opening up to you, therefore an indication of trust. If you judge them, trust is gone for them to be open and honest. Ask questions as if you were learning for the first time. Such as, “Is there anything you really enjoy me doing?” or “Is there a fantasy you would like to play out?” or even “Is there something you are needing in this moment from me?”. Let them talk and spill it. Who knows, something magical might come of it and you could be neglecting your needs, wants, desires and fantasies all this time. Why not find out, check in and check theirs out.
Keep playing.
Love more, fear less.
Veronica Chase